


The Way Back

by lonesomelikeasong



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes Recovering, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Past Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Post-Canon, Roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-10
Updated: 2015-07-26
Packaged: 2018-04-08 16:20:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4312044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonesomelikeasong/pseuds/lonesomelikeasong
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Babies are born. Diseases got cured, which is cool. People are in lust, or love if they’re lucky.”<br/>“Lucky, huh?”<br/>“I’ve never had the luxury."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sunset

Once again, he stirred to see the sunset filtering in through a crack in the curtains. He couldn’t keep track of how many days have been the same; each one found him there and left him the same. Voices, whispering, slid under the door.

“I’m not just gonna leave him here, Nat.”

“Come on. You’re not taking him with you, either.”

Steve had been contacted to be shipped out and deal with some renegade force some time earlier. He wasn’t happy about it in the slightest.

“Well, I just got him back. He’s had a hell of a time, and he’s my best friend. What else am I supposed to do?”  Steve’s voice was getting worked up like the old days, back when he was the one who got pulled by the back of his neck out of fights.

“Not treat him like a child, for starters. Bottom line, Cap. I know how much you care about him, but the fact that he’s got some damage doesn’t mean that he can’t handle this. We’ve all got damage.”

She was being left behind. She had been told that due to ‘emotional constraints’ she was not the best candidate for the job. Her calmly delivered response had been long and profane, with occasional sighing from Steve.

“It’s just that he’ll be alone again.” His voice softened.

“You know he can hear us, right? He’s awake in there; I heard him moving earlier. Like I said, not a kid. I’ll be here like a good little girl, working on my emotions. We probably won’t burn anything down while we’re playing Babysitters Club.” Sarcasm dripped off her. He always heard it when she was talking.

“What?” Finally, humor crept in. He tried to remember the last time he heard his best friend laugh and couldn’t recall.

“Oops. That one probably didn’t make your list. Get out there. You’ve got shit to get done, and I’m not allowed to go with you yet. Go, you know, wave your arms. Scare the kids off the lawn.”

“Those old jokes are never gonna end, are they?”

“Nah, I’m too smart. See you when you get back.”

The outside door shut quietly, and silence fell once again. He rolled back over, facing the wall. He was awake, more than he has been in some time. He turned their words over in his head, still a little slow after all this time gone. _We’ve all got damage,_ she said. He knew Steve’s rap sheet like the back of his hand. He’d spent every second of their lives together keeping him from getting any more. _Tables turned now,_ he thought. _Steve’s protecting me_. He thought he was, anyway, but every time his friend looked at him all he saw was old times. It stung, kept stinging long after.

He was being treated like a child, and the worst of it was he knew why. He had barely spoken since they got him back, but he couldn’t help himself. Half the time, he couldn’t find the words to say to the endless stream of questions. He just stopped trying. It was shouting on the moon, pointless and worthless. Steve and Agent Romanoff were the only ones that knew to quit trying, but Steve still got that look in his eyes that said he had to keep reminding himself that they weren’t young anymore. _She doesn’t though,_ he thought, pushing his hair out of his eyes. _Maybe she gets it. Damage._

A quiet knock sounded on his door.

“Hey, our mutual friend is out. Care if I join you?”

He had to try twice to find his voice, and it came out rough with sleep and disuse. “Yeah. Come in”

She came in quickly, leaving the door open far enough for either of them to be able to see into the hall. _A real soldier then,_ he thought. _She knows._ Not that he’d doubted her for a minute. He sat up and pulled on one of the shirts that Steve had left neatly folded for him on the chair next to his mattress. It felt absurd that now, in the pair of them, he was the smaller.

“You don’t have to stay here with me if you don’t want to,” He said quietly. Her eyes glossed over him, summing him up.

“That’s true. Unfortunately, I think Steve might beg to differ. One of us is tasked to stay as backup at all times anyway, and he got called up. So as much as like a little rulebreaking, I think I’ll follow this one. Besides, I bet you’re not half bad as company.” She gave him a smile, which he might’ve returned in another life. Instead, he just looked down at his hands. The difference between them, human and not, still caught him off guard every once in a while. He felt her sit on the end of the bed.

“It’s the quiet, isn’t it?” She asked. He looked over at her. She was leaning back on her hands, looking up at the window. It was dark now except for the overzealous city lights outside. She continued.

“It all just…when you look back at it, you hear white noise and everything. It’s all crash and fury, but when you get out, you get left alone for once.” She cocked her head to look at him. “I won’t bore you with my story. I just get it. Steve does too, even if he doesn’t always seem like it. You know him better than I do, of course.” She lifted an eyebrow, pausing for him.

“I’m sorry that you understand, Natasha.” His voice shakes just a little at her name. He doesn’t know what he should call her, if anything.

“Nat’s fine. What should I call you? Bucky seems a little too Steve for me. James?”

He’s surprised to realize he finds this, of all things, funny. “Ha. Uh, no one has ever really called me that.”

“I’ll be the first, huh? Let’s build this friendship on new things, James. What’s something new?” She turns and faces him on the bed, sitting with her legs crossed in front of her. He turns and sits the same way, a little stiff.

“Well, I think I missed a lot. What are good things that happen now?”

She shrugs. “Ah, it’s all pretty much the same as your time. Babies are born. Diseases got cured, which is cool. People are in lust, or love if they’re lucky.”

“Lucky, huh?”

“I’ve never had the luxury of staying in it. You?” She raised an eyebrow again, waiting. 

He had been. Of course, that was seventy years ago and he only ever realized it too late. He wondered if she understood that part: waking up and finding that half of you is gone. It wasn’t something he had told anyone about. Secrets were deeper back then, especially his kind. His mind flashed back to Brooklyn, when they were young. He used to be the strong one of the two. His only weakness, after all, was what kept him that way. It was necessity.

“Yes” He said, admitting it for the first time. “Once.”

“Well, I’d say I was jealous but I think circumstances would make a fool out of me. Hey, I want that story sometime though, okay?” She stood up and walked to the door, then turned back to him.

“By the way, wanna get out of the apartment? It’s big, but outside is bigger. I’m sure you could use a little air, and I know I could. Why don’t you hit up the shower and we can go make a little trouble?”

She grinned, pushing curls behind her ear, and he felt his heart beat just a fraction faster.

_God, it's been a long time since anyone looked at me like that._

“Sure. I’ll be right out.”


	2. Evening

It turned out to be colder than either of them had expected; November was rushing in more winter than fall. He would’ve offered his jacket if she had looked like the kind of person that would want it, but she looked even more immune to the wind than he was.

“You know, I think that maybe fresh air is a little overrated,” he remarked as they walked by two teenage boys, a couple by the look of them. They looked entranced with each other. He continued.

“That’s interesting, though. Never would have seen them like that back in the day.”

She raised an eyebrow, stepping lightly over a bank of dead leaves that had caught in the gutter.

“Yeah? Guess not. Different times and all.” She replied, giving him a smile that faded to a curious look.

“I was wondering something, James. About you” She said, a certain nonchalance in her voice.

“About me and Steve, I assume?” He asked, heart sinking. She was perceptive like others, but she was a lot better at reading him than most.

“Yeah. I mean, you don’t have to answer.” She stopped and turned to him, looking up into his face. “Although I’m pretty sure we both know that would be a bit of an answer in itself.”

He said nothing for a moment, just returned her stare. He was much taller than her, he realized. She seemed like a giant compared to him any other time, the way she talked like she knew who you really were before she even met you. _She’s dangerous,_ he reminded himself. _She’s just watching you for Steve. You haven’t known her long._ He found himself sitting on a bench nearby, and she followed suit quietly.

_She knows anyway,_ he realized. _Shoulda been more careful. God, I’m tired._ He shook his head to clear it and spoke.

“Steve doesn’t know, and I’d be glad if you said nothin’ to him.”

She nodded, and indicated with her head to continue.

“I did, Nat. Love him, I mean. He was everything to me. My brother first and foremost, for all our lives, but I grew up and found out that wasn’t all I wanted. Shit, the first time I got a clear look at him after the procedure I thought my heart was gonna leap out of my chest. I couldn’t tell him, though. I didn’t want to yet, anyway. He had that girl, too, and he looked at her like she was magic.”

“Peggy” Natasha interrupted. “Peggy Carter was her name. She was amazing.”

“Yeah, Peggy” he continued, nodding his head. “She was somethin’. He loved her a lot, I think. He’s got a picture of her still, you know? That’s the real kind of thing. He and I weren’t that, which I guess I don’t mind. Brothers in arms is more important than what I had.”

“But what you had was still important, James. He never gave up on you” She said quietly, looking at the toes of her boots. She had grown very still as he was speaking.

“That kind of thing didn’t belong there. He mighta loved me like I did him. We just never found the right time. Woulda grown and died in one day and just left a bitter taste in our mouths when we were together” He said.

“And you’re never going to tell him any of this.” She said, matter of fact.

“Nah. It was a long time ago. I’ve been through enough to know when something’s good, and the way he and me are’s good, or getting there again anyway. No use in making trouble, and he’s already got enough on his mind. Don’t need old business in there too.”

Silence fell again. Finally, she looked at him.

“Well, that lends a little disbelief to some of the stories about you, then” She said, mouth widening in amusement.

“Oh yeah? What kind of stories?” He said, returning her smile.

“Well, I heard some things about you and a few of the ladies of New York. Interesting stuff, James. Quite a champ, if it’s to be believed.”

“I mean, I wouldn’t believe all of them” He said, laughing. “There isn’t a person alive that isn’t a liar, but some of them are definitely true. I loved him, but I liked quite a few of them in my time.”

“Interesting. Luckily for you now, you can consider any kind of person an option. America’s kind of nice that way.” She sat back, looking satisfied. He gave a short laugh, and a comfortable silence fell. He remembered then how much he had loved people like her, back when a uniform got you all the pretty eyes in the room. No beating around the bush, they would just look at you and decide that they wanted to know who you were under all the pomp and circumstance. It got real, even if they were just together for an hour or two. She didn’t judge, either, not for reasons like his. That was better than anything.

_It’s no wonder she and Steve get along the way they do,_ he thought. Both of them pushed his buttons like no one else really did. It was fascinating, really talking to her. Before tonight, for months it had been the three of them in tense coexistence. Steve was strung apart with stress, and she was always busy on one mission or another. He’d been feeling like their ghost for a while, always watching them live but never joining the living. It was nice to be seen like this, especially by her. He felt real for the first time in years, decades really. He could get used to the feeling.

“I hate to be the first one to break here, but it’s goddamn freezing out here.” He said, standing and holding out his hand to help her up.

“Wanna go get a drink?” He asked. “Or we might have stuff in the apartment, I don’t know. It’s been a long time since I had the opportunity.”

She laughed.

“You know I’m Russian, right? Yeah, we’ve got stuff in the apartment. Let’s go. I’m freezing my ass off.”


	3. 2 AM

“I just…I don’t get dancing today.” He slurred.

He was lying on the couch, head hanging off far enough for his hair to touch the floor. He had no idea when the last time he’d gotten drunk was, but he that it sure was a lot easier now. They’d been talking about how different the world was now, and she kept teasing him about “the good ol’ days,” which with enough alcohol had become rabidly funny.

“Kids today, huh? You’re starting to act your age, James” Natasha said, taking another drink from the bottle of whiskey they’d found, nearly empty after being shared between the two of them.

“Not old. M’not old. I just don’t understand the music.” He said, sliding farther toward the floor.

“Ha! Okay, you’re officially ancient” Natasha scoffed, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

“Natasha. Rude.” He finally fell, landing on his stomach. “Dancing’s the thing. You dance? Huh?”

He crawled over to where she was sprawled against the wall and leaned up next to her. She had fallen silent. She moved to take another drink, but he stopped her and grabbed the bottle from her.

“Why…why sad? This is happy” He said, giggling and tapping her nose with his pointer finger.

“I danced, once. A long time ago. Not anymore.” She said quietly, leaning her head back and staring up at the ceiling.

“Why not?” He said, craning his neck back and resting it on her shoulder. She reached up her hand and stroked his hair.

“I was trained in a place, and it was very bad for me. It made who I am, and I don’t like those parts of me. They’re useful, I won’t lie, but I don’t like them.” She replied.

“You should like you. You should fuckin’ love you, Natasha. You’ve done nothin’ that I didn’t do…worse. Worser. Worser?”

“Worse, James. Worse.” She said, and though she still looked pensive a smile came back to her face.

“So what about dancing don’t you like now?” She continued, turning her face to him.

“It’s all heat and no love. People don’t dance ‘cause they like it, they dance for what’s after. Dancin’s all there is, sometimes, so you gotta want that too. God, my head’s spinnin’.”

“Okay, pal. You need some water. Want me to get it?” Natasha asked, standing carefully. She had drunk far less than he had, but she was definitely unsteady. He watched her as she walked to the kitchen and filled a tall glass halfway. He loved her bright hair, the only real color on her. She was always wearing dark things, black or dark grey. He was the same, really. _Steve doesn’t count,_ he though hazily. _America suit is what he wears. Me and Nat are the same._ _Except my arm, and she’s so beautiful._

“Nat!” He yelled at the kitchen, sliding down the wall onto his back.

“For the love of God-oh, nevermind. Thought maybe you’d thrown up. No way I’d deal with that. Here’s water.” She set it down next to him, then dropped onto the couch he’d fallen from.

“Why did you yell? Miss me?”

He grabbed the glass and sat against the couch.

“Yep. Missed you. And I wanted to say that you’re beautiful. So much beautiful.” He patted her arm with his metal hand.

“Yeah, James. Thank you. You’ve got a pretty nice face yourself.”

A little time passed, just them in stillness. The things they had said hung heavy over them, but it was a welcome weight. Neither of them had ever had a moment like this before, where all they had was time and someone with them. It felt special. It felt like an end to the long journey that they had been on all their lives, and it was happy.

Not everything ended there, though. Something was starting, a thing that was running through his blood like a slow sugar poison. He couldn’t stop thinking about her, about how familiar she felt to him. It was like he’d known her before, but it was impossible. She wasn’t from his past before he fell; there wasn’t a soul who had met him in the dark years that was still above the ground. His head was starting to hurt, and it wasn’t from the whiskey.

“Natasha” He breathed, and he pulled himself up onto the couch. He leaned toward her, and she sat up.

“James. What is it?” Her eyes searched his, worried.

They were only a breath apart, just static and chemistry.

There was nothing else possible but her in that moment.

And so he kissed her like she was the only one he had ever and would ever love.

November was lost on him then. All he felt was summer heat and both their hearts beating faster every moment. She took him on like a challenge, and it was all he could do to keep from laughing. She was so strong, and she knew exactly who he was. She moved to straddle over his legs, as close as they could get.

“You’re smiling,” She whispered, brushing a kiss onto his neck. “I like you when you’re smiling.”

“I’ll keep it up if you’re doin’ that” He said hoarsely, running his hands from her hips up to her waist.

He hooked his thumbs under the loose hem of her shirt. Her skin was soft, at least on the side he had skin to. It took his breath away, having her there. She leaned back in, moving his hands up, and it happened.

His hand ran across a wide scar.

“What is it, James?” She said, leaning back. He had frozen in place, no longer in the moment.   
“Too much? It’s late. We can leave things where they are. Not gonna be any insult to me.”

He didn’t meet her gaze.

“I knew you” He finally rasped, pushing her away firmly. He stood and walked to the entry. He leaned against the wall, a little shaky.

“I knew that I’d seen you before. I knew you. I did that to you. Didn’t I? That scar?”

“Yes.”

He shook his head, but there was no clearing it. He stumbled out into the night.


	4. 3 AM

It had only gotten colder in the meantime, and the only people left on the streets were staying there or heading home. He didn’t fit either of those categories, and he didn’t know where he would end up. All he had was a leftover buzz and a mind full of hurting. It was a sick movie reel of all the moments he’d been carefully blocking out.

Nearly killing his best friend, a man he loved.

Succeeding in killing so many, most of them innocent as humanity can produce.

Shooting her.

That one transfixed him, pulled him down to the ground in collapse.

She had been there only to protect another, and all she had been was collateral damage. She’d been a piece in the game, and he had failed to do anything but tear her apart. Friendly fire, the worst he or anyone could do, and on someone that he thought about loving.

_I don’t deserve them. Neither of them,_ he thought, mind still buzzing.

Over and over again, he felt his finger pull the trigger: on the bridge, in the cold, shooting her, shooting her. He held his breath, hoping that maybe it would keep him from drowning. The waves just kept coming though, and he was freezing in the depths.

_They’ll be okay without me. They’ll be better._

* * *

 

“What do you mean ‘he’s gone’? What the hell happened, Nat?”

“He remembered shooting me. He saw the scar and it triggered memories. Not all of me. He’s getting a rush right now of everything he shouldn’t have to know.”

“How did he see…never mind. I’m coming back.”

“Don’t. I can handle this. Believe me. I know what he’s feeling right now. It’s like dealing with Clint after the scepter, and, well, you know. I’m gonna find him. Do you have any idea where he’d go? He was your best friend.”

“I have no idea. He still is, Natasha. He’s still my best friend.”

“Home’s not there anymore. I don’t know. I’m useless. He’s not…”  
“He’s not the friend you knew, and he’s not going to be that person ever again.”  
“Please help him.”  
“Already on my way, Steve.”

* * *

 

He couldn’t move an inch. Gravity had loved him when he fell, and he was paying the price of the affair. He was fetal, arms wrapped around himself to keep out the cold and keep himself contained. He didn’t know where he was. He didn’t care. He was a statue, frozen under orange streetlamps. He heard footsteps, but could hardly move to cover his left arm.

_Doesn’t matter. Can’t move anyway. Like to see them try.  
_

He moved his eyes up, sluggish, to see who had stopped in front of him. Of course, it was her. He was too tired to tell her to leave. She didn’t say anything this time, except for a quiet “It’s okay” when she helped him stand and put on a thick black jacket. He hurt, all of him. He was thawing out all over again.  
  
She led him home, human hand wrapped in her own. She left him on the couch, and by the time she came back from taking her shoes off he was drifting off.

He felt her sit and moved to rest his head on her lap. She pulled his hair back away from his face.  
  
“I’m sorry” He whispered.  
  
“Never apologize, James” She said. “Nothing that happened tonight was wrong. Not a breath."

It was quiet in the city that night. The world, for once, seemed to be giving him a chance to breathe. She was there with him, and she was fire. Any force of nature would respect her. Maybe she was the one getting cut a break. He’d been a captive of the winter before, though. Maybe life had, for once, decided to give him peace.

His heartbeat was thrumming through him again. It was slow now, slowing down even, and steady. He was still freezing, but having him there made him feel safe. His vision faded and blurred away, and finally he rested.


	5. Sunrise

Light streamed in through the glass door, unfiltered by curtains as the windows in his room were. The room blurred, then focused. It was early morning, and he felt different.  
  
He almost felt like a person again. He felt almost like the man he was before he ever fell or even left for war.  
  
She stirred next to him. During the night, they both stretched out to the length of the thin couch they slept on. They were closer even than they’d been the night before when they were…well, involved. His arm rested over her waist, pulling her close to his body. Her hand covered his.  
_Should I move?_ he wondered. _Not sure if she’s gonna like this._ Before he could decide, she stirred and moved her hand to cover her eyes.  
  
“God, it’s bright in here.” She whispered. She turned and looked him in the eye.|  
  
“How are you feeling, James? Sleep well?”  
“Better than I’ve done in a couple decades.”  
  
She moved slowly to sit up, and he followed suit. They regarded each other for a moment.  
  
“Steve will be home tonight, maybe earlier given the circumstances.” She said.  
“Shit. He’s gonna have a heart attack.” He shook his head, clasping his hands and looking up at her.  
She smiled. It was a small, almost shy one.  
  
_That’s new. Never seen shy outta her._

Not that he had much room to talk in that moment, of course. He wasn't fixed, and he certainly had been broken in the years that separated him from the life he had wanted. He was starting to see, though, that those were days he would never return to. He had to begin again somehow, both in life and in his heart. Steve would never be his, not the way that he had wanted him. He had come to terms with that. The rest of him still felt like it was missing bits and pieces. He still forgot how to speak sometimes, in the moments when it mattered most.  
  
She understood all that, though. She wasn't here to be his magic fix for all the wrong stored up inside him. She was here to see what he could build upon his ruins, and to help with the heavier lifting.

  
“What do you want him to know?” She asked, leaning in slightly and interrupting his train of thought.  
  
“I want him to know what happened to me. The rest…” He trailed off, blush spreading to his cheeks.  
“Well, we’ll think of something, yes? For now, of course. He’s going to know eventually.”  
  
She stood and continued, stretching her arms over her head. He caught the smell of her perfume for just a moment, and it unsettled him in the way very few things could.  
  
“I’m gonna need more sleep before I can deal with that level of scrutiny. Are you gonna stay there?”  
She gestured at him. He thought for a moment. Flashes from the night before: laughing outside, sitting on the park bench where she had found him huddled up and half-frozen, kissing. Her quiet voice as she brought him in from the cold.  
  
“I was thinkin’…” He said, standing to face her. For the first time, he felt he was eye to eye with her.  
“Yes?” She said quietly.  
  
“I’m afraid.” He admitted. “I’m afraid of what happened last night, and of the way I think I feel about you. I don’t wanna hurt anyone else that’s been good to me.”  
“I think we’ve both done our fair share of that.” She said, raising his metal hand and kissing it. “I need sleep. We can talk about the fine points later. Good morning, I suppose.”  
 _  
_  
“I mean, since Steve is still out and all, and we already were anyway…Think I’ll come along” He said, and a grin split his face like it hadn’t since he’d loved his friend so long ago. He pulled her close and kissed her, taking his sweet time. He could feel her smile pressed into his, soft and perfect.  
  
_My God, I’m going to love her,_ he thought after some time had passed and they were wrapped up in each other on her bed. Nothing could touch them for a little while, and that was alright. They had what they needed.


End file.
